


the worst thing that i ever did was what i did to you

by bothsexuals



Series: it would've been fun, if you could've been the one [2]
Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Character Study, I'm so sorry, Sad, thank tswizzle the altogether and jujubee for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:46:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25645261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bothsexuals/pseuds/bothsexuals
Summary: Troy had promised a hundred times over that he wouldn't leave Abed.But then he did.
Relationships: Troy Barnes & Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir
Series: it would've been fun, if you could've been the one [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1859182
Comments: 9
Kudos: 73





	the worst thing that i ever did was what i did to you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sapphicpaint](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicpaint/gifts).



> What, you thought I wouldn't write one for Troy? This is even more inspired by Jujubee, 'cause we talk about this... a good amount. A healthy amount. Totally. So... I love you, jellybean, and sorry for hurting you. I'd also like to apologize to the rest of felipe nation for hurting them- I love you guys. Please don't hate me. 
> 
> To make this experience even better (more painful), listen to the following songs while you read: "Must Be A Dream" and "Night" by The Altogether, "my tears ricochet", "the 1", "hoax", and "betty" by Taylor Swift. 
> 
> Title from "betty" by T-Swizzle.

Troy had left. 

Just like everyone else had. Just like Abed was terrified that he would. 

He was going to come back, of course he was going to come back, he could never leave Abed for good and he would never, _ever_ want to.

But Abed didn’t know that. Abed wouldn’t believe that, because Abed thought everyone would always leave him, and Troy had proved him right. After promising otherwise for years, he’d proved him right. 

One day he’d come back, knock on Abed’s door -wherever he lived by then- and Abed might just slam it on his face. Why wouldn’t he? 

He would be right to. He would be right to distance himself from Troy after he’d done the worst thing he could have ever done to him. And he was pretty sure that was what was happening. 

His texts had gotten more scarce. Sure, Troy had very little cell connection, so he could rarely reply, but at first, he’d search all over for a bar of wi-fi and find dozens of missed messages from Abed, talking about everything and nothing at all. As time passed, he’d find less and less. Sometimes none. It hurt more than he cared to admit.

He talked to Abed on the phone sometimes, and he said he was fine. Troy video-called him, and he could see the bags under his eyes and the sadness in them even through the awfully pixelated image. 

He talked to Britta and she said Abed was too stubborn to let her therapize him, and he told her he needed a friend, not a therapist. Or maybe he did need a therapist, but definitely not Britta. 

He talked to Shirley and she told him she was praying for Abed. He told her he didn’t need prayers, he needed a friend. 

He talked to Jeff and he scoffed and said Abed was just as weird as he always had been. Troy wanted to punch him sometimes. 

He talked to Annie and she told him the truth. She told him Abed slept less, but spent more time in bed. She told him he didn’t watch _Kickpuncher_ anymore. She told him he often seemed off, but not to worry, Troy should just continue to enjoy his trip, she was there to take care of him. 

She told him Abed got a girlfriend. She told him her name was Rachel and she liked comics and movies almost as much as Abed did. She told him he’d tried to get her to move in with them. He sighed in relief when she told him he didn’t succeed. He sighed in pain when she told him she'd tried to get her brother to move in at the same time, and they’d both done it because of how much they missed him. 

She told him not to feel guilty. She told him she knew he’d come back, and soon enough Abed would understand that too. She told him to just worry about his trip.

He wanted to go back right then, trip around the world be damned, millionaire money be damned, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t go back, couldn’t give up on yet another thing, couldn’t not get the money after he’d promised his mother and Shirley he’d use it to help them. He couldn’t give up on finding himself, couldn’t make do with getting halfway through his trip and giving up. 

It wouldn’t erase the fact that he left, anyways. Abed would still resent him for it, and he would be right. 

He might go back, and Abed might slam the door on his face. He might tell him to leave, he never wanted to see him again. He might break Troy’s heart, and he would be right to, because Troy had broken his first. 

Leaving Abed was the biggest mistake he’d ever made. He knew he needed this trip, knew it was right for him, but he should have fought harder. He should have fought for Abed to come with him, should have fought for permission to catch a plane back every few months to visit him. He should have tried harder, and when he finally got back, he would. 

If Abed would still have him, he would never leave again, but for now he had to stay away. He could go anywhere in the world, anywhere at all, with LeVar freaking Burton by his side, but really he just wished he could be home, watching some dumb movie with _Abed freaking Nadir_ by his side.

But he couldn’t go home. Not yet. 

So he had to make do with texting Abed and hoping, wishing, praying for a text back. He had to make do with long waits between phone and Skype calls, had to make do with the heartache that filled him everytime he saw something that reminded him of Abed- which was all the damn time. He saw him _everywhere_ and it hurt so much he thought it might kill him one day, because when he turned on his phone and checked Annie’s texts it was that pretty blonde girl he saw by Abed’s side in so many of the pictures she sent him, _not him_. 

But it could have been him, couldn’t it? There had been so many times, so many missed chances. And then Troy left, and if there was still a chance by then, that had shattered it. 

It _should_ have been him. He would’ve loved Abed better, if he hadn’t been so goddamn stupid. He wouldn’t have left during his Bad Days, the way Annie said Rachel did, because it was the better option for them. Abed never wanted him to leave. He wanted everyone else gone, he wanted complete quiet, but never from Troy. Troy could stay. Troy could tentatively hold his hand when everything felt like too much for Abed, and Abed would rest his head on Troy’s shoulder and Troy would bask in the knowledge that he was the one person who could stay. 

Abed never wanted him to leave, and yet, Troy did. And now Abed had no one to help him through his Bad Days, no one to softly hum to him when every other sound was overwhelming, no one to talk about everything and nothing for hours while Abed gave no response, because he couldn’t bring himself to speak, but the quiet would allow all the bad stuff to come out. The bad stuff he had to handle alone now, because _Troy had left_. 

Maybe his girlfriend would go with him to see his father now, maybe she would be the one to comfort him when those rare, heartbreaking tears started spilling from his eyes. And maybe Annie’s love would be enough to tide him over when he felt like the rest of the world was against him. 

He wanted Abed to do better, of course, but he didn’t want him to stop needing Troy. How selfish, right? But Troy had never stopped needing Abed, and more than that, he’d never stop _wanting_ him, so maybe it was a little bit fair to desire the same thing back. 

He thought Abed might be doing better, and it both hurt and comforted him. 

But then, in the middle of the (Greendale) night, he received a text, “I miss you so much it feels like I can’t breathe sometimes,” and he knew for certain it was just Clone Abed who was doing alright. Real Abed, original Abed, _his_ Abed was still heartbroken, because Troy had promised a hundred times over that he wouldn’t leave, and then he’d left. 

So Troy read the text over and over, until his eyes hurt from the light of his phone and the endless flow of tears, until he couldn’t think of any other words but those. He could hear the words in Abed’s voice, that small, shaky voice he’d get when he was sad, and he felt like he was being ripped apart at the seams.

He would say Abed’s name over and over sometimes, like it was a prayer. He’d just whisper it in the dark, hoping LeVar couldn’t hear. (Even if he could, he never said anything, and Troy was thankful for that.) He would say it to remember how it felt on his lips, to feel the comfort and safety of it again. He would say it because there was no other word he liked saying more, but he would say it with a sadness that had never been there before. 

He would imagine saying it to Abed’s face again, when he went back. When he finally got home, wherever home may be then, because home had never been a place, had it? Home was Abed, and it shouldn’t have taken Troy this long to realize that, it should have been fairly obvious, but Troy had always been a little dense, after all. 

He imagined it sometimes, imagined showing up and telling Abed everything, telling him he never should have left, telling him he loved him, he always had, telling him his heart broke whenever he thought about him with someone else. He wasn’t as good as Abed at running simulations, though, so he couldn’t imagine what Abed’s reaction would be. Would he send him away, or would he still want him? Would the one person Troy needed still have him? He couldn’t bear to think that the answer might be no. 

He said Abed’s name like a prayer, and after all, it was. A prayer for Abed to still want him. A prayer for his home to still be there when he went back. A prayer for Troy to still be the one.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry. I'm so sorry. Leave kudos and/or comments to tell me how much I hurt you.


End file.
